A little daily Humor;





A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of  captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply:


National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1 A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L..A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings
are the only animals that stutter,' she says. 
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' 
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!' the Rottweiler ate
her!
 
The teacher had to leave the room.
 








Colonoscopy Journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy  
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through  Minneapolis. 
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.  
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called
'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is
basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a
one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This
takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture
of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor,
state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever
seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as
the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend
several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into
the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. 
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that?  Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with
whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have
fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some
people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you
were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting
with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it
hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to
the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. 
I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If
you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel
the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a
very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent
when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician
claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he
was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'